We have a new alarm clock! It’s very accurate and goes off bang on 5.30 each morning. No adjustment is possible for weekends.

The alarm pitch is set at that irritating level you cannot ignore. It works through doors and walls and literally keeps going until you react.

This alarm clock also moves so getting to shut it up takes effort, so you really are awake once you finally shut it up. It also has a snooze alarm and cannot be tricked. If you think you have shut it up, give it 5 mins and it starts again and can go for hours.

If you do manage to figure the off switch, watch out. It has a spring mechanism that if you leave it by the bed it starts bouncing around the room.

Where can you get one of these devices?? Get a cat!

If in doubt we blame the previous owners of our “des res”. Dodgy upside down toilet seats, huge holes in ceiling for light fittings, the list goes on.

Now the latest is aimed at all home owners. Never ever paint really dark colours on walls because its a beggar to paint over, and even worse when it’s right next to stained wood skirting boards. Cue more painting required to finish our lovely bedroom. Nearly there though……and we’ve painted the en suite now too. It actually looks clean now after those grubby walls.

Now onto that famous flat pack store WhyKia? Last weekend we trotted over to hell to order some Billy bookcases. Simple eh? Grab in store, take to delivery desk, get screwed out of £60 to deliver to outer rural land of nowhere and job done.

So yesterday we had the delivery and today was assembling Billy. Hmm, first on went well. Ah, second one was supplied by Daniel Day Lewis himself – two left panels (ok dodgy film ref).

Cue trying to ring WhyKia. Current phone wait time 45mins! No problem for us techies, there’s online chat. Ah yes, the screen said the online chat person would be with us in 2 seconds. More like 20 mins.

Then it was a case of trying to explain that we had two left panels and needed a right. Groan. So you have two rights and need a left?? No, the other way around. Ok can you tell me in the manual which page your part is on. erm, threw away the manual. Oh, I need the page number. You can see how this went…..for 40 mins.

And finally, replacement part should arrive week after next. We hope.

We blame Bill all the way…

Oh, and not a drop of alcohol in the house……and too shattered to go buy some.

Our new neighbours have arrived today. My first experience was the Mancunian conversations held by the removals company men. How many expletives can you get in one sentence?? By the sounds of it, not a happy place to work.

On then to meeting the newbies. Cue BMW man who drives up as I am sat reading in the lounge with windows open. I hear a car reverse, park and gravel crunching. Surely he hasn’t just parked on our drive??

Yup! Doorbell goes and Mr Magoo introduces himself telling me that he’s parked on my drive because he cannot get past the removal truck. Oh and this is Slobby the daft dog rolling all over your lawn. I hear you liked the house so much you bought this one, hmm a key selling point from our previous landlord then. Hmm. While I am friendly to most I cannot quite believe that our new neighbour a) thought it was ok to park up first then tell me he’s done it while b) introducing new dog who is slobbering happily all over the grass.

So I’m afraid I politely told him that every other car has managed to get past said truck and to go park in front of the graveyard. And no it was not ok to roll up onto my drive and park on my gravel and paving slab. Oh and I also gently asked him to get rid of Slobby too who wanted to come say hello to a woman balanced on crutches!

Did I sound grumpy? Perhaps a little. I’d never ever park on someone else’s drive unless I had actually asked first or they had offered. Dam cheek if you ask me.

I was going to go round later and say welcome, perhaps not now, I think I did the welcome bit already to Mr Magoo.

Grr. Mr Fogg is clearly having influence over me!

So the UK doctor seemed to find it amusing that we turned up to see her on Monday with me in a brace and with crutches. Joy. I’m not laughing with her. She is kindly organising physio.

Anyway, the foot swelling is continuing to reduce slowly and increased painkillers are starting to take effect. If nothing else I sleep to at least 11.30 daily. However the foot benefits from bring elevated and looks far far better each morning until I start to move a bit when the swelling and the bruising comes up again.

However, I am starting to hate the crutches. Unwieldy things, they get in the way of everything. Simple things are impossible. Making a drink – you can make it but have to stand where you are to drink it because you cannot carry anything. Going to the bathroom requires a degree in acrobatics, and showering, well forget that one for now. In fact carrying anything is not possible unless you place it in a carrier bag (which swings and unbalances you) or stick it in a rucksack. I’m on the latter since yesterday when I managed to fall big style in the kitchen. A combination of wearing a sock on my good foot for warmth, a cardigan and a slight imbalance had me getting the crutches caught in the cardigan, my good foot slipping and wham, fell full tilt sideways on the bad side like a scene from a bad cartoon. Still, I kept my foot from damage (twit that I am) by landing my full body on the floor and head on the radiator. Ouch!

Mr Fogg, on arrival home looked bemused at my now bent left crutch. I think I landed on that too. Oh dear, hope the crutch stays intact else I’ll have to resort to crawling, mind that may end up safer.

So, the plan is to try to get my foot load bearing ASAP so I can start to get back on my feet ( very appropriate eh?), reduce the drugs and do physio. Simple. Now for another sleep..

So there I am, off to Dublin for the day to attend a business meeting, flight booked out of Leeds Bradford at 10.50am, returning at 9.10pm (what a waste of a day that would be). Checked in online with the cheap and crappy Ryanair “bring your own life vest” Airline. If you speak to the Ryanair reps behind the check-in counter they charge you for the privellage.

Got parked eventually about 4 miles from the terminal in the long stay car park (oooo yes, £29 for the pleasure). Went to security, “ah you are pre-checked, a priority boarder, go down the fas-pass line”, fantastic some bonuses to cheapy airlines then, get to walk past the masses who are queueing at the strip and go security gate. Get to the security check through and the old dragon was having none of the fast pass malarky, forcing me to wait until everyone of the Ibiza “I’m getting slaughtered at 9am” peeps got through.

So I then have to remove my Suit jacket, wallet, keys, mobile phone, belt, laptop and all equipment and shoes, each of these placed in separate containers and going through on their own, with no-one to collect them at the other side as I wait for the monkey to wave me through the metal defector! So who is responsible if someone steals your items at the other end, cos I am certain that the airports would wave their ” we accept no liability” form in your face.

Eventually through and time to kill watching the Ibiza peeps get slaughtered on falling down juice. My flight due to board at 10.20am, suddenly shows that it will not arrive until 11am, then 11.30am. So now the initial arrive in dublin with 1 hour to spare before the meeting, turns to 1 minute to spare. Then all of a sudden the announcement goes out that the flight will not be delayed until 12.15pm, meaining I would not make the appointment at all. I duly called the company i was off to see and they advised that we reschedule to a later date. So at 11.45 I advise the check-in desk I no longer wish to fly and wish to change my flight due to the delay and the fact that I will not arrive in time. So this is where the fun commences.

The Check-in staff will not let me leave without and escort, so I have to wait until everyone is boarded first of all and the Ryanair check-in desk is not manned at present. At 12.10pm I eventually get allowed out of the airport, to go back to the check-in desk, only to be told that Ryanair have no staff there (we are only Servisair who collect tickets) and I need to call a 10p per minute un-helpful line. So I do

First Response – You need to modify your flight online

Second Response – You cant modify your booking since it is less than 4 hours before you are due to fly

Third Response – The plane took off ontime according to our system so you must have missed  it

Fourth Response – There needs to be a 3 hour delay before you can move your flight

Fifth Response – There needs to be a 1 hour delay before we can move your flight and our system is only showing 55 minutes

Sixth Response – You need to call back sometime tomorrow and we will make you start the whole thing over again

So, here I am, 24 hours later and still none the wiser, I even tried to change my return flight from Dublin (which obviously I couldn’t make, since I’M NOT THERE) but they are oblivious. “All we can do is send an email to head office to see if the plance was delayed and advise from there”, but hang on a second the flight was due to depart at 10.50am, yet Leeds Bradford show it departing at 1.18pm (yes that is almost 2.5 hours late) and Dublin show it arriving at 2pm.

Can I send an email to the head office, “no” is the answer, can I call the head office “no” again is the answer. So how do I contact the head office “send a fax”, I’m sorry in this day and age of technology we are reliant on a fax machine.

The moral of the story here is you get what you pay for, buy a seat on a cheapo nasty airline and chances are you may not fly on time, and you can guarantee that you won’t get a refund.

The Ryanair system is setup to prevent customers from getting any form of custom, bogged down by call centres and engaged tones until you give up in defeat.

The reality avoind Ryanair like the plague, it it not worth the money or the hassle!!!

 Yes siree, dentists and the NHS approach really does blow!

So whilst we were in Wales, we managed to secure an NHS dentist, not fantastic but a quick check around your gob to make sure it was all ok (p.s people in Wales also get FREE prescriptions, paid for by the UK Tax Payer). Due to work we moved back to the North of England and then the fun begins, this government doesn’t want people to have bad teeth and wants them to look after themselves, right, no wrong.

We spent the best part of 2 months hunting high and low for an NHS dentist, with no luck what so ever, apparently you need to register on a website and then wait for a dentist to call you, if one feels like getting in touch and has any space. So the annual check-up came around and begrudgingly we paid for a private check-up, oh my god. It would appear that I have a gold mine situated behind my teeth, either that or the Bank of England. It costs £70 minimum for a checkup, thats £3.50 for each minute that some bloke waffles at you about the state of the NHS, blah, blah, blah. Then you need to have some woman show you how to brush your teeth at a cost of £38, thats £1.90 per minute. Then if you need a filling the prices start at around £50 per filling heading up to a dizzy £70 or £80.

You even get a lecture from the friendly dentist on how Switzerland has banned amalgum fillings now, sorry pal we aint in Switzerland. On top of all that one of the first things that is discussed is you taking out a “dental plan”, now you know it makes sense, “ah you fit in to Category B, so that’s £18 to cover you just in case you need some work doing”. I’m sure that it does make sense, it’s just the fact that in this country we should have to start taking out any kind of health plan, either provide an NHS service or don’t it shouldn’t be a mix and match.

It’s just daylight robbery, I mean “at least Dick Turpin Wore a mask”, come on there is no way to justify such costs.

Eventually we got a call, 7 months after registering with the NHS website thingy, to be told that we could join a dental practice, one that only sees patients on a Wednesday (bloody part-timers). So appointments made, off I pop. Now cast your mind back (is that even possible, hold on head I’m just gonna through my mind back to the good ole days) to dentists of yonder year, well that’s where I ended up. The dentist chair was like out of the 1970’s, a hospital metal frame with a little cloth on it and a foot pump to lift or lower the chair. The gentle laying backwards motion can only be described as being shunted from behind in your car, whilst the rinse and spit sink looked as though it had seen many pigs slaughtered in the local butcher shop. Hanging from the ceiling was the world’s oldest xray machine (the ones that look like a 1950’s B-movie laser cannon, painted in a battleship grey) alongside a 1 million candle light fitting. As for the scale and polish, having to insist that the dentist wash the scaling device after it has been dropped on the floor is never a good sign.

After all this £15.90 for a checkup and xrays, so why cost so much on private then? And now NHS are introducing a wonderful new rule, bear in mind it takes you months or sometimes even years to get a dentist, well they are going for “2 strikes and you’re out”, if you cancel an appointment with less than 24 hours notice then that counts as a strike, have two of those bad boys and you are kicked off their books, go figure. Apparently according to the hand crayoned poster on the wall “last month 25 patients did not attend their appointments, costing the dentist 9 hours worth of lost time” and costing the NHS millions, mmmm I think not, try getting rid of the over priced middle managers and save a fortune more like. Now you do the math:

9 hours is 540 minutes

540 minutes divided by 25 patients equals 21.6 mins per patient

Not one to quibble (yeh right), but my appointment was delayed by 15 minutes (even though I had arrived 10 minutes early) and I was with the dentist for less than 10 minutes, so who got my other 11.6 minutes.

So back to the original point, the government want people to be slim, healthy and with good teeth, yet, you can’t get a dentist for love nor money and when you do, you can’t miss any appointments or you get booted off the list and have to go private. So I ask you what good is the NHS anyway?

So this whole “the world’s gonna end unless we do something now malarkey”, is it just me or is this yet another cash cow.

Let’s face it, Britain is leading the world in “climate change” goodness, with carbon neutral this, low emission that and what does any other country do (p.s the answer is very little if indeed anything).

So the earth is heating up, true but it has been doing so for hundreds of thousands of years, is it really going to help if your local council fine you for putting a piece of plastic into the wrong dustbin?

Air travel once the right of only the wealthy opened up to everyone by the likes of Freddy Laker and then RyanAir oh and that pathetic excuse for an airline (SleazyJet) will be made impossible when it becomes the norm to have a carbon tax levied on every flight. Now does this money go to save the world, I would suspect not, it will simply go into nice high interest accounts of the government, along with hikes in petrol prices (car is bad, repeat this mantra 12 times!) and every other piece of taxation this country slings at the long suffering people.

I can see a future and a not too distant one either, where everything is blamed on climate change (what’s that you say, this time is now) and your whole life will be ruled by your very own, personal and individual “carbon footprint” given to you by some hippy do-gooder from the council who has worked out that you burn 12 trillion tonnes of carbon by the time you have breakfast. My friends this future is bleak and uncompromising, but it won’t save the world, whatever we reduce our carbon emissions by, China and other countries increases it by several folds with new power stations.

Don’t be fooled by the Hype, Climate Change is inevitable, surely the years of airline travel, cars, power stations, bombs, wars and destruction on the planet has started an avalanche that won’t stop by placing your recyclables into the green bin!!

Now I promised myself I would not rant (sorry mum), but come on for goodness sake, save the world, but save it sensibly. Is there any point saving a world if the people can’t afford to live in it?

We have suffered for years with a double bed, two adults and a very needy cat (who manages to steal half the bed leaving us hanging of the edge).

Enough, we thought, time to buy ourselves a King sized bed, so off we go round the showrooms, spending the best part of an hour testing mattresses (jumping on them, rolling over them, bouncing up and down on them and generally making the staff worry what we were up to), then choosing a really nice bedstead, hurrah all set so we think.

The bed arrived on Valentines Day (yup gonna test drive this puppy), so off I set with spanners and screwdrivers in hand to build the “30 minute” bed following the simplest instructions. 3 hours later and it was built, but oh there is a slight problem, the inside metal frame is 1inch narrower than the bed frame, making it impossible to fit properly, that coupled with the fact that it is rusty doesn’t make for a good start. Undeterred I placed the 4 tonne Kingsize mattress on the bed to check it out and see of there were any other problems, oh boy!

It would appear that our Kingsize (standard size) mattress, is actually 6 inches shorter than our Kingsize (standard size) bed, leaving a massive and quite frankly dangerous gap. So off to the showroom I pop, tape measure in hand and low and behold their bed had the exact same gap, WHY? Now for those of you used to British Customer Service, you can guess the response:

“Ah sir (says the manager through gritted teeth, when what she means is stop bothering me), all Kingsize mattresses are that short, it allows you to tuck in your duvet covers, plus which a pocket sprung mattress will collapse over a few months and fill the gap”

Right, so all beds are made too long and all mattresses need 6 inches to tuck a duvet in, plus a “pocket sprung mattress” guaranteed for 10 years not to collaps or lose the shape, will collapse to fill a 6 inch gap in a period of months. I don’t think so!!!!

After scouring countless stores, it would appear that only this one company, with it’s own range of beds suffer this problem. My guess is that this a set of beds built by foreign labour with a knackered old tape measure and now they have  to “flog em off” as fast as they can to unsuspecting punters. Not us though, the bed is going back and we are getting our money back (good job really cos we went and bought a proper bed from a lovelly little pine warehouse).

And now, we have a little bit of bed each, but the cat still manages to steal most of it during the night (little git).

So Valentines Day was spent on our blow up airbed from camping, romantic or not.

P.S Don’t ever try carrying a Kingsize headboard and footboard in a Suzuki jeep, it just aint big enough, you scrape your knuckles on the corners and really struggle to drive properly.