Well as you know we are living in a house up in the North of England and we have a pokey lil garden out back, which has a pear and an apple tree in it (anyone that has sampled the Apple Dare or Pear Dare will know). Until October we had employed a gardener monthly to tend to the limited garden (very posh we know, but Mr Fogg hates gardening with a passion, lazy sod, getit, sod as in dirt, ooo I’m just too sharp). The gardener in their infinite wisdom killed the pear tree and Mrs Fogg went ballistic with them. So the gardener fired us, get that, stating that she was too demanding and they couldn’t keep the garden to the standard she had set. Ah well no loss there then.

We got the landlords to arrange the trimming and pruning of the apple and pear trees, since they were in dire need of revitalisation. At the same time they arranged for the “Tree Specialist” (if that is what you call a guy with a chainsaw, then he is hardly a specialist) to recommend what was needed to be done about the 60 foot monsters in the front, since the branches are hiting the roof and cars/ lorries on the main road. The specialist promptly recommended to the landlord that they should be cut back and duly went about his work slashing all the braches off he could find. The poor ole tree looked somewhat empty now, but hey he was a specialist.

Cut (gettit) to a few weeks later and a letter fell on the mat from the Council Planning office, claiminng that the two front trees are subject to a “Tree Protection Order” and that some nosey ole retired fart with nothing better to do with their time than phone the council, had reported the trees as been “brutalised beyond all repair”. The council, yes you know them, “take your hard earned cash, empty your bins once a month, don’t repair roads or grit when it snows”, has employed some “do-good eco-warrior, sandal wearing, kaftan loving, man-hating, Tree Hugger” to send out snotty letters to tell you that you now face a “£20,000” fine for hurting the trees feelings.

The Tree Hugging man-hater council person has contacted the Tree Specialist who did the work, who claims he was told that the trees were not subject to a “TPO” and therefore is not to blame. Surely a specialist in trees would know exactly where to look to see if a tree was protected (sure as hell we don’t). We are not the property owners and therefore did not request or approve the works, so as is normal in these circumstances we too have passed the buck to the landlord and his letting agent, hell we are not paying a fine on two dead trees.

The irony, the letter from the council was printed on paper taken from a tree!!!!

Watch this space, we can guarantee this will branch onwards (ooo look at my puns)

So there was Mrs Fogg and I, looking at going to Leeds by train a nice relaxing time, we went to find out whether we could save money on train fares by booking in advance, “oh no, you can only do a day return, otherwise you will have to buy single tickets if this is journey does not return the same day”. Ok so what does that work out to then, well to travel 15 miles on a train will cost you £19.50 per person, right so £39 for two Foggs to travel to Leeds and return the next day, ok plus either £15 each way by taxi to the station or £12 per day to park your car at the station. So let me get this right, it will cost between £53 and £69 to go to Leeds overnight, plus the cost of hotels, or (wait for it) £11 in petrol to drive there and back. So I ask you where is the incentive to save the planet and use the train. THERE AINT ONE!!!!!! 

Oooo I feel so disgusted looking at this once great land that we live in. It makes me feel so like Victor Meldrew, that I thought I would list everything that gets up my nose (and you get to hear all about it), well I do have a SOAP BOX and I am gonna use it:

• About 10 years ago there was a petrol strike across the country because petrol had breached 90p a litre, yet here we are now with the price soaring through the roof and you hear nothing
• The so called political leaders are more bent than a 5bob note, screwing everyone in the country out of their cash, whilst they happily have every little thing paid for in their “second” homes (so nice to see people can afford second homes these days)
• The wondeful government don’t want people using their cars to travel on the over burdened roads, yet you are forced to pay to park your car at motorway services for more than 2 hours, so where is the incentive
• You now need to spend your spare time separating all of your rubbish and placing it in silly coloured bins and boxes to save the poor old binmen from doing what they are paid to do. Meanwhile the council tax increases and the quality of service degrades.
• Customer Service, never were 2 words so unmatched in a sentence, it doesn’t matter where you go or which company you speak to, by the time you eventually get to speak to anyone, they really could care less and really have no interest in assisting you with your problems
• The world is heating up at an amazing rate (don’t exactly know where this statistic is based on, have you seen the heatwave we are suffering at the moment, no me neither) and the only way to prevent it is to introduce some wonderful stealth taxes
• The economy is collapsing, house prices are falling (not some of the houses we have had a look at recently)
• Your pension is worth so little, that you will have to work until you are in your 80’s
• Red Wine is good for your heart and will keep you alive longer, but at the same time will increase the chances alheimers, so you have a choice drink wine and stay alive longer or drink nothing, die young but at least you can be grumpy and remember why

So I feel like a grumpy old man, but at least I have a young wife that listens to me go and probably ignore me as well.