Well as you know we are living in a house up in the North of England and we have a pokey lil garden out back, which has a pear and an apple tree in it (anyone that has sampled the Apple Dare or Pear Dare will know). Until October we had employed a gardener monthly to tend to the limited garden (very posh we know, but Mr Fogg hates gardening with a passion, lazy sod, getit, sod as in dirt, ooo I’m just too sharp). The gardener in their infinite wisdom killed the pear tree and Mrs Fogg went ballistic with them. So the gardener fired us, get that, stating that she was too demanding and they couldn’t keep the garden to the standard she had set. Ah well no loss there then.

We got the landlords to arrange the trimming and pruning of the apple and pear trees, since they were in dire need of revitalisation. At the same time they arranged for the “Tree Specialist” (if that is what you call a guy with a chainsaw, then he is hardly a specialist) to recommend what was needed to be done about the 60 foot monsters in the front, since the branches are hiting the roof and cars/ lorries on the main road. The specialist promptly recommended to the landlord that they should be cut back and duly went about his work slashing all the braches off he could find. The poor ole tree looked somewhat empty now, but hey he was a specialist.

Cut (gettit) to a few weeks later and a letter fell on the mat from the Council Planning office, claiminng that the two front trees are subject to a “Tree Protection Order” and that some nosey ole retired fart with nothing better to do with their time than phone the council, had reported the trees as been “brutalised beyond all repair”. The council, yes you know them, “take your hard earned cash, empty your bins once a month, don’t repair roads or grit when it snows”, has employed some “do-good eco-warrior, sandal wearing, kaftan loving, man-hating, Tree Hugger” to send out snotty letters to tell you that you now face a “£20,000” fine for hurting the trees feelings.

The Tree Hugging man-hater council person has contacted the Tree Specialist who did the work, who claims he was told that the trees were not subject to a “TPO” and therefore is not to blame. Surely a specialist in trees would know exactly where to look to see if a tree was protected (sure as hell we don’t). We are not the property owners and therefore did not request or approve the works, so as is normal in these circumstances we too have passed the buck to the landlord and his letting agent, hell we are not paying a fine on two dead trees.

The irony, the letter from the council was printed on paper taken from a tree!!!!

Watch this space, we can guarantee this will branch onwards (ooo look at my puns)