And they’re off!

Yup the Foggies take to the skies tomorrow for another mini adventure planned as ever by Mrs Fogg, Boston, Salem (anyone need a broomstick?), Montreal, et al.

A Boston Red Sox game, Segway tour to name but two things.

And today we kicked off the trip at Stu & Jen’s with stacks of grub, plenty drink and laffs, then a mouth numbing curry in Bradford, phew.

Next stop London.

Would that it was that simple! Figure massaging is the official description.

So I booked a foreign holiday last year, not aware that Jarvis would go belly up. In my bi-weekly jolly to ye oldie jobby centre I have now been forced to “sign-off” “sorry sir we don’t make the rules we just follow them”, sure I heard that somewhere before, Germany was it?. Apparently this draconian system dictates if you are going on holiday outside the UK mainland, you are obviously not seeking employement and therefore are not a statistic, cannot receive any benefits and must go through the entire rigmarole again to restart your claim when you come back.

Not only penalised for working for a moronic company that collapses, but also penalised for having a holiday. However if I were holidaying in Mainland UK, I would still be classed as unemployed and eligable for everything, go figure.

Not the bitter twisted person that I am I wished the snot nosed kid behind the counter a good day and told him I looked forward to him joining me on the Job Seeker queues when a new govt comes in and throws out half of the paper pushers sat in these places. Grrrrr!!!

it’s true, although according to Mrs Fogg that’s all I seem to do at the moment and who can blame me. in your late teens and twenties you simply accept the way things are, as the way things are, few questions. in your thirties you start to rebel a little and then in your forties the Victors start to manifest themselves in your life, “I don’t believe it”, “that’s not fair”, blah blah.

So Jarvis collapsed 3 weeks ago due to total mis management and total incompetence and all the news and focus has been on the poor old “skilled” rail workers not having jobs, nothing about any of the back-office staff and highly skilled Project Managers (that be me of course). The trip to ye olde jobbie centre was as expected, 100 page form filling, interviewed by a 16 year old school leaver with a wealth of job hunting experience “what you need to do is……” and made to feel more worthless than an air traffic controller when all planes are grounded, the general attitude is one of “it’s your personal fault the company collapsed” (do I look like Nick Leason).

All the forms are then followed by the bi-weekly trip back to the job centre, where “you are a customer of the govt” is their motto and they have a charter and an obligation to get you back to work (mind you how can anyone survive on £65 a week is beyond me).

Don’t worry there are a raft of benefits you can claim, if your wife is not in employment, you have kids, a disability and less than £100 savings (all of which require a multitude of forms and an average 1 month wait). So what can I get then, ah yes “travel to interview funds”, the govt will pay me 25p a mile in my own car or bus fare (which ever is cheaper) to go for interviews at approved companies, don’t ask me what an approved company is! However I am required to drive, bus, cycle or walk the 15 miles to the job centre to pick up a form before the interview, fill it in, get it approved then submit it. After the interview I get a form in the post telling me what mileage and/or cost they have calculated for my journey, which I must sign and return to their office, 15 miles away, which I must travel to since there is no address or envelope. Several weeks later I get another letter telling me that I will or will not be paid for my expenses to the interview. I would dearly love to meet the analyst who decided through detailed review of business process that this was the best and most effective solution!

Now when we were all turfed out of Jarvis the lovely, friendly and helpful Adminstrators gave everyone a form to claim compensation from the govt for not getting that statutory 1 months notice. This piece of toilet paper enables you to claim back £350 per week from the govt, fantastic things are picking up a little, ah sorry i forgot the caveats – minus any benefits you may have received, minus tax and NI contributions and also minus any salary you may have received if you secured a job anywhere oh and you won’t get this for at least 2 months, not so impressive now.

Still despite all this fun and frivolity my chin is firmly up. I went for an interview this week(with my mileage expenses covered of course) through my other pet hate “recruitment agencies”, now the dictionary defines these as the spawn of Satan and I can understand why, consider the fact you are looking for a job, there are at least 10 to 15 agencies all taking your CV and submitting it for the same role as you and none of them even know what the jobs entail, they simply look at a list of requirements and if those words don’t appear in your CV, you can’t do the job (this industry really needs regulation).

I happily roll up to this interview, job and person profile in hand, expecting as told by the agency “a general chat abou my CV and capabilities”, mmmmmm. In rolls I, professional as usual (stop laffin, I can do it sometime) to be met by the IT Director (now IT Directors usually have a presence about them, not this one tho), come in, sit down, I want you to complete a PRINCE2 foundation paper (something I did abou 6 years ago) in 15 minutes! OK what the he’ll I can guess, but anyone that has taken this exam knows, you don’t use it, you refer to it when needed (that’s why it’s a framework). Now why did I need to sit this paper, when the Project Management was a “nice to have” not a necessity? simple the IT Director had only just sat hers a few weeks ago and passed it, therefore everyone must be able to pass it! Right, on then to the clinical dissection of Mr Foggs CV, by the IT Director and current incumbent in the role who apparently “doesn’t want the role, responsibility, stress, hard work, etc” or did he? Next a 25 question and answer section on all things technical, what is a router, DHCP, NAS, etc, then we want to see all your certificates and then a HR questionnaire, then meet and greet the team, phew all this for a Team Leader/ PM in a mickey mouse outfit. Eventually 2 1/2 hours later I left and put a call into the spawns of Satan to complain at the format of the interview and lack of preparation by them (had i known thenI could have at least re-read my books in advance of the interview), only to be informed that the IT Director had already been on the phone to say “No Thanks”, the reason “he didn’t score high enough on my exam I gave him”, you gotta be kidding me! The company shall remain nameless, since it was a complete waste of time, effort and breath.

Next, continue the search and to justify to spotty yoof at ye oldie jobbie centre that I am looking for work and I am worth my £65 per week.

And finally, I have today received the exact same documentation telling me that “we have decided to pay you £65 a week”, so glad that someone has a handle on what is going on in the govt!! Roll on an election when we can vote for yet another useless numpty full of hollow promises with multiple houses and cleaners paid for by you the tax payer, cos after all they can’t be expected to pay for a cleaner out of their own wages, or better still pick up a duster themselves like normal folk!!!

Rant over for the week.