Ah the luxury of air con. Our expert driver promptly loaded us into the surprisingly posh car for the hotel and set off on the 45 minute journey to the hotel. Mr Italy found it hilarious that I buckled up instantly telling me that Italians are of course aggressive drivers so this should be Childs play. Wow. There are no lanes to drive in. You look in the direction of travel and aim for it. Buses crammed with people, little put put taxis, cyclists galore, cows, pedestrians, old cars, new cars, old men and men in tatters with battered and shredded pedal taxis, all aiming somewhere. The trick, according to our driver is to be clear where you are going and inform everyone else by using your horn. All you can hear are horns blaring. Vehicles weave toward each other, cows pick the odd blade of grass in the middle of the main road, sellers peddle their wares at the edge of the roads- a makeshift outdoor restaurant, mobile phone shops made from tarpaulin and two bits of string. The poverty and squallor here us visible just from the car.

Bumper to bumper we sped along towards the hotel and it is clear that there is a lot of development underway here.

We passed clapped out old 50s cars, then sparkly new shopping centres wedged next to shanty towns, bamboo scaffolding at times seemingly holding the structures together.

How we got to the hotel with no scrapes or bumps absolutely amazes me.

The entrance to the hotel in contrast is a fortress of tall gates and security guards. All vehicles have a full security check, including under the hood. Once approved you are transported into a different world of service and luxury.

This afternoon I have been invited on a sightseeing tour with my Austrian colleagues. Should be an eye opener.

Greetings from Kolkata. I arrived this morning at 7.30 to the grubbiest airport I have ever seen. Arriving was a simple affair and my colleague
and I located the single baggage carousel to await my luggage.

How many people can you get around a luggage carousel is not a question I have ever considered, and yet I can now confirm that it takes all the passengers from an A380 plus about 100 other bodies – oh and it makes perfect sense to ALL stand in one spot so that when you want your luggage you need to physically climb to the belt to get it. Wow do Indians stand close to each other. Lucky my chivalrous Mr Italy colleague offered to do the luggage krypton factor so he got to enjoy all those sweaty bodies up close and personal while I supervised from afar. He tells me that the mix of curry and sweat is a particular delicacy which appears a common fragrance.

We were met at the arrivals area ( see pic, yes this the front of the arrivals shed) by a chauffeur from the hotel and walked to a “waiting area”- roughly translated as large Tarmac area with a million taxis, bikes, porters and stray dogs while he got the car. At 7.30 the temp was already 27 degrees and climbing. In a short 5 min wait I have learnt that cows roam the city freely, use of the horn when driving is not just common it is obligatory and it is important to shout at each other even if you are stood on top of the other person.

An interesting first introduction to India. It meets all initial expectations so far.

Ah Mrs Fogg, how much of India will you actually see, can’t eat onions, pepper or mayonnaise, hate curry or anything spicey. Wow are you in twubble then.

Case packed, clothes, shoes, poop tablets, refrigerated toilet roll, mars bar, twix and kitkat (your food for the week).

Have a safe trip and remember never shake left handed.

We will have trap number one clear, cold bog roll and slippers ready for your arrival.

Having spent the best part of the night standing on us, pawing us and generally being a right royal pain, it would appear that Mr Spike is now tired and making most of the sunshine streaming in.

Shades on, suncream rubbed in and nothing to do but chillax, welcome to Garfields world of excitement.

So while Mrs Fogg is glued to a toilet with a touch of Bengal Belly or Ghandi’s revenge, we’ll be thinking of her.

So in approx 48hrs I’ll be in Kolkata (that’s Calcutta to you and I) working. I’m nearly packed and have all the vitals in hand:
Snacks in case I can’t eat anything there- check
Tablets for upset stomachs- check
Extra briefs ( just in case!)
Anti Malarial tablets – check
Heavy duty insect repellent – check
Work clothes- check ( what exactly do you wear to the office when it’s 31 degrees in the shade?)
Passport and visa – check
Industrial strength deodorant -check

Should be a fun experience, maybe, possibly, perhaps, ish?

Its an initial 7 hr flight with a 2 hr stop off in Dubai before another 5 hrs to Kolkata airport. When are we going to have Star Trek “beam me up” travel arrangements?? It would be much quicker and more comfortable.

Still, I am looking forward to the experience in India and have my camera at the ready!

Spike, take care of Mr Fogg until I get back.

Ah back to London with a bump, after a 1 hour delay setting off from Changi (waiting for passengers and luggage from another flight), which is pristinely clean, no dirt, perfect airport.

The flight was uneventful apart from the unhappiest air hostess who really didn’t want to be there, slung your food trays down, refused to offer alcohol and gave you the fruit juice that she believed you wanted. But at least we slept.

Home then to the dump that is Heathrow, dirty, smelly, masking tape holding things together and just plain awful. The express from T3 to T4 in chaos since the woman on the tannoy couldn’t tell you which part of platform two was platform two and not platform one. The Yotel ah sir your booking was from 7am it’s now 7.30, so you have lost half an hour or can pay for the extra time, why because my flight is delayed when we normally just shift the timing, welcome back home!!

So now to the hotel to pick up the car and start the slog back up-t north.

What a fantastic week, we are sat here for one last drink in the Shangri-La lobby before the trip to the airport and then megaflight home, well to Heathrow initially, then it’s the Yotel for a few hours before the motorway slog.

Singapore, wonderful place, Shangri-La some amazing sites and brilliant for people watching.

Righty ho then, all packed and ready to checkout. It has been a fantastic time this last week in Singapore. You can sit and people watch for hours, when it rains it truly does rain, but you don’t really care.

In traditional style here’s the role call:

– 1 Zip Wire
– 1 Luge
– 2 Cable Cars
– Daily MRT rides
– About 40 miles of walking (ouch)
– 2 Singapore Flyers (the big wheel)
– 2 Suits
– 5 Singapore Slings
– The Raffles Long Bar
– 1 Harley Davidson Shop
– 1 Chinese Banquet
– 1 Japanese Banquet
– 3 bottles of champoo
– 27 hours in planes
– 1 fantastic week

Singapore is a fantastic place to visit for a few days, very hot, very humid and some wonderful sites. This is very much a shoppers paradise, however looking in some of the shops you need to be seriously minted to afford some of the items.

A wonderful city break, now home to the cold.

Yes today will be a long long day, hence the renaming. Up at 9am, breakfast, showered, packed and checked out by 1pm. Walking tour until 9pm, airport for 9.30pm, plane for 11.45pm (local time), the 14 uncomfortable hours landing at 5.35am on Sunday.

Oh boy, Shattered Day (you will notice that thanks to SuperDrunk that they have now changed the lift carpet).