MUD, that is, and the subject of my one man battle with our local “couldn’t give a stuff” authority. Victor mode engaged!

Yes, yes we live rurally and yes we know that this is what happens, but does it make it right?

Coming home one night to find the road to our house caked in mud by the farmers dragging it up the road, one immediately became incensed by the lack of thought for the residents. After contacting our local money pit (aka the council), we were duly informed this was nothing to do with them and was the responsibility of the Police, really! But worry ye not the team at the money pit had logged a police complaint on our behalf (well that’s alright then). After 3 days a PCSO (aka I didn’t pass the exam to be a proppa coppa), contacted by email to let us know they had attended our road to review the situation and could see no issue. Slight problem since they had been sent by the money pit team to a different village, despite our supplying a full address (nice to see they teach them to read). The PCSO duly came back 24 hours later (after my pointing out the error), to claim that a colleague had driven down the lane in the dead of night and could see nothing (this truly is the state of our crime fighting farce, not only do they need to check it out, but they do it when you can see naff all). Ever the concerned citizen, I duly sent photos taken when the big round ball was in the sky (see attached 4 days after the mud bath). Again a response came from the PCSO to thank me for my email, but upon reviewing the photo with a colleague they could see no issue, here then came the rant.

Dear Miss/ Mrs/ Mz (do I give a toss what you are known as),

We thank you for your response, but considering said photo is some 4 days after the incident was reported, this is the state of what is left, which still causes cars to skid and given the fact that the highway should be kept clear and safe at all times, I suggest you review your definition of “no issue”. This is dangerous to drive on, a nuisance and leaves everything filthy.

Dear Mr Grumpy Bastaad

We appreciate your frustration, but a trained colleague has assessed the situation and advises this is not serious enough to force the farmer to clean up after himself. Now kindly bugga off since we want to watch re-runs of the Bill on UK Gold.

Dear Miss Couldn’t Pass the Entrants Exam,

Thanks again for breaking off from serious crime fighting to figure out what a PC stands for, but I wasn’t aware that you had highly skilled mud assessors on the force. I find it incredible that a farmer has to be forced to clean up the road to make it safe to drive on, what a country we have become. Surely it is the duty of the council to ensure the safe condition of all the roads that we pay for the upkeep of, or do we just hope that the mud will pack the potholes?

Dear Mr Grumpy Bastaad

Do you realise that WPC June Ackland is in the middle of a tricky situation on the Bill and I have had to break off to reply to you again. For reference all issues with road surfaces must be reported to the local police who will assess the situation (after an extensive “is your road safe to drive on” training course), if we deem that the road is not safe to drive on, we would then close the road to all traffic, while we identify the offender, then put a form B11297 (Poetic license on the form name) into the council for them to arrange to come and clean the road, before we re-assess (with our highly trained officers) and then allow the road to be re-opened. However on this occasion our years of training has told us that it is safe, unless you can persuade your neighbours to lodge a complaint in which case it mustn’t be safe to drive on (despite our assessment).

And who says that we are cutting through the red tape?

Dear Miss Police wannabe

Well thanks for the detailed waste of bytes in explaining that the only way anyone will do anything is if more than one person complains. Where is the commitment to prevention, as in forcing the farmers to clean up instead of closing roads, filling out forms and wasting everyone’s time? We will of course not bother logging a call with the police because it’s a waste of effort and the council are as useful as a Johnny in a nunnery. It has been an absolute pleasure conversing with you whilst watching our neighbour (Mr Magoo) scrape the mud off the roadway with a shovel, maybe I should have a quiet word with him? And in closing I can only assume the council would do something if we stopped paying our council tax. PS WPC June Ackland gets snuffed out later in the Bill, hope that doesn’t spoil the ending!

And there you have it, mind you the flooding down the lane has now cleared the mud, until next time.