Are we sitting comfortably, then I will begin, on the 8th Jan we went hunting for trolley bag cases (not a suitcase, but not a rucksack), eventually finding what we wanted in a Fenwicks store, but they only had one and the spotty yoof really couldn’t be bothered looking in the store room (would spoil his hair do), so the “I’m sorry that’s the last one we have sir” as he promptly turned to chat up the stick girl next to him. Ah well, your loss, tinterneweb here we go.
Mrs Fogg in full on search mode, quidco ing and boggling as she does found what we needed and duly ordered them. The money went out of our account instantly and the said company (Luggageexpress don’t touch em with a barge pole.co.uk) updated the status to “processing”. Mrs Fogg even added a note stating “please advise earliest delivery” and paid for next day despatch.
Four days went the status still showed “processing” and still silence. We phoned their 0800 which diverted to an Orange Mobile and then stated the mailbox was full, uh oh! Bells of the Alarm type sounded, scams ville here we come.
All calls either went to a full Orange Mailbox, or to a person of foreign sounding persuasion “yor cawl maye bee record for train porpoise” . Ding Ding, Ding.
Emails fell into a black hole and this company seemed to not exist, so we contacted our oh so helpful an friendly bank. After pressing the usual, 5 for accounts, 6 for credit card, 2 for assistance, 3 to hear static, 9 to return to start, I eventually spoke to a pleb (hi you are through to Jane, I need to ask you some irrelevant security questions before I can pass you to my colleague who will ask the same questions). Ah sir thank you you have passed security however this is a credit card matter so let me put you on hold before you can even think about saying another word. Credit Card Pleb, security, yaddah, yaddah (you get the idea). Long story short, no you can’t claim this as a fraudulent activity since the card was in your possession at the time of purchase. But no goods received, no communication, nada, surely it’s fraud, nope it’s a “dispute”, ah but still fraudulent, nope, this way we send you a form in 7 to 10 days and then take up to 3 months to achieve an outcome, super!
As you will see from the great TROLLee Hunt we found something last week and promptly sent emails to the company demanding order cancellation and full refund.
Well knock me down with a feather as the ordered bags turned up yesterday, no delivery note, no explanation, no apology. Mmmm reading the Luggageexpress website (stating fantastic made up reviews and feedback), the product is still processing, so can’t be returned, but to return it you need a returns number from the company who doesn’t respond. We called, we sent snottograms, and yet squat of the diddly type was returned.
Oh Well we will just send them back under the sale of goods act cooling off period, yes, but where to, no address? One last ditched attempt to call them again and bugga me with a rusty pole, some foreign gentleman answered called “YouCanCallMeJimmy”. I tried to recount how cack they are as a business but suddenly dawned on me that the extended silence meant YouCanCallMeJimmy wasn’t listening. Eventually after spelling RMA to Mr Foreigner, I got a number and an address, phew, now all we gotta do is get our money back, what are the odds?
And the title of this tale “What has Antlers but no Head” is because they were Antler bags (geddit), but I do get to tell my world famous jokes:
– What do you call a deer with no eyes
– No eye deer
– What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs
– Still no eye deer
– What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals
– Still no F***in eye deer
Boom Boom (I shoulda been on the stage, sweeping it)